"You want to play house, you've got to have a job. You want to play nice house, very sweet house, you've got to have a job you don't like." (Revolutionary Road)
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When others can’t deal with YOUR life-change.
There are plenty of pros to having family and friends that have known you since you were young. The downside, however, is that these are the people least likely to embrace or be understanding of your life change(s). When you experience a life-altering event or go through a period of personal reflection, you are bound to change in some way, mainly in perspective or behavior. Whether the changes are positive or negative, great or small, those who know you well will notice them. Sometimes, seeing these differences will make them uncomfortable, concerned or treat you differently. This response only makes difficult life-changes that much more challenging. My “quarter-life crisis” began with my career choice concerns, but it has slowly branched out into other areas of my life. I’m not as unsure about the other aspects of my life as I am with my career options, but I’m definitely at a place of re-evaluation and reinvention. As I have processed through this period of personal growth, some of my ideas and behaviors have changed, and those who have known me awhile have made it obvious that they are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this. Some keep reminding me of what I USED to do, say, like & feel in this disappointed and disheartened tone. Some are confused about how I’ve reached this point and why I can’t just “snap out of it.” Others are more encouraging and positive, viewing it all as natural and “a part of growing up and becoming wiser.” I agree with the latter concept. Yes, all of this change is frightening and stressful at times, but I firmly believe these experiences are beneficial to learn from. I’m glad I have people in my life that will be honest and express their concerns with me if something alarms them, but its BEYOND FRUSTURATING to constantly be compared to who I was when I was in high school or even when I was 20 (I’m 25 now). If you don’t re-evaluate, reform or transform during your lifespan, you’re stubborn and not learning a darn thing. There have been so many moments since I’ve been in grad school where someone has said to me “well, you never do this…” or “you used to be this way” and I wanted yell “well, some things freakin’ change!!! There’s s a first time for everything!! What are you going to do about it?! You either help me deal with this, or get the hell out of my way!” When discussing my career confusion, for example, one person said to me “You’ve never been concerned about your career path. I’m not used to you being this way.” Well, guess what? I’m not either! It’s new for me too! You think it’s uncomfortable for YOU, well, how do you think I feel?! As far as I’m concerned, my support system has the easy part. They just get to listen and maybe give advice. I have to make the hard decisions and live with them. “I’m not used to you being this way.” I think my friend’s statement explains why others freak out when you experience a life-change. In each personal relationship, we have a specific role that the other person comes to rely on. For instance, in a sibling relationship, the older sibling may be protective of the younger. The moment the older sibling isn’t protective, the younger one may take issue. In application to myself, my support system isn’t used to me being confused or discombobulated about anything. They’re not used to me having to rev-evaluate or reform. I’ve always had everything clearly mapped out and defined. I suppose that some of them have come to rely on my solidarity, particularly when they’re distressed. Now that I don’t seem as stable to them, maybe they’re concerned that they don’t have someone to come to for answers. Perhaps it’s just a fear of the unfamiliar, or a fear that my social dynamic with them will be affected by “altered” role. I’m not sure what the case is, but their assessments are only making my personal process more convoluted and stressful. A friend and I were talking about how since we started college, our parents have gradually ceased to parent us. You would think that we would be happy about this, considering we spent most of our adolescence hungering for autonomy, but our parents have gone from one extreme to the other. They went from borderline over-involvement to nearly none at all. At a time in our lives where the term “quarter-life crisis” is applicable, some of us 20-somethings would appreciate a moderate amount of guidance and input from our parents. Growing up, my parents always used to say “I know better than you; I’ve been there and done that.” Now that I want some of that “been there and done that” perspective, I’m not getting it; even when I blatantly ask for it. When I ask for advice, my parents sometimes glaze over it or give a generalized answer.
I think this issue occurs because our parents incorrectly assume that the 20’s are seamlessly easy or that we don’t need or desire their input because we’re now self-sufficient young adults. The lack of advice may also be a result of simply not knowing what to suggest (major generational or cultural differences may be a contributor). Either way, this drastic reduction in parental counsel is not working and can lead to communication issues between parents and their adult children. If you haven’t already, I encourage you 20-somethings to address this problem with your parents. Don’t be afraid or too prideful to ask for a little more input or support. If you’ve unsuccessfully attempted to address it, go back and analyze how you approached the discussion; approach affects results. If you’re confident in your approach and still don’t have the results you desire, you may have to seek support from another source, such as a counselor or a different relative. Good luck finding resolve. I used to think that there was this “magic age” where I’d have everything planned out perfectly and there would be nothing to stress out about. Wrong. EVERY stage in life has its challenges; its pros and cons. It’s just the types of problems that change.
Or at least one of the reasons anyway.
I recently spent some time with my older cousins (they’re 34 and 42), who decided to sit me down and chat about my “quarter-life” crisis. They had heard of the concept, but couldn’t understand for the life of them why my generation felt so distressed about the future and, in some cases, anticipated bleak outcomes. I tried and tried to explain, but to no avail. To them, every other generation had gone through the same stressors and we were just trippin’. When I explained that we feared getting stuck in an unfulfilling job or career for an extended period time and being unhappy, they refuted that it was because we didn’t have any patience or work ethic and had a huge sense of entitlement. “You have to work your way up. You’re not going to get your dream job out of college. You have to do what you have to do to pay bills. You may have to take that sucky job to get where you wanna go. You guys are just so entitled; for some reason you think you shouldn’t have to work and start out at the bottom. I don’t recall being so concerned about the future when I was 25.” I guess since they weren’t worried, we shouldn’t be, and it’s just preposterous and silly that anyone would. Especially since we’re graduating from college and going into an unstable economy and workforce. Yeah, we’re freakin’ crazy for being worried. Silly us. I was being told how to feel for about an hour or so. Yes, we might be a little entitled and spoiled, but that’s not at the heart of our fears or anxieties. At the heart is our fear that will we become our parents; the people that “did what they had to do” and ended up in careers that they were barely content with. Their contentment stops at “it pays the bills.” We want something more than that. Lord forbid we want jobs that not only pay our bills, but help us exert our passions as well. We understand that we have to crawl before we walk, we’re just afraid we’re going to be doing that for the rest of our lives…like our parents did. Our parents worked/work like dogs, sometimes 2 and 3 jobs, just to provide the smallest things, and still ended up living “check to check.” “Where would you get the idea that you’d have an unfulfilling work life?!” my cousins asked. Our parents. “Why do you think that if you have a sucky job, your whole life is going to be affected?” Because we spend most of our time awake at work, and depending on what else you have going on (a high-stress job, kids, school, etc.), you might not have the stamina or time for yourself. Which, I’m surprised my 34-yr-old cousin didn’t get the point about the impact of work on your overall life, considering she was only in town because she might not be home for the HOLIDAYS because of her JOB. “You're a slave to money then you die” (The Verve-"Bittersweet Symphony") This is what we’re afraid of; living these lyrics. “So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.” (“Office Space”-film) This is what we’re afraid of; relating to this quote. I love how my cousins acted like there aren’t millions of people on the planet who are discontent with their work life, and their discontentment doesn’t carry over into their non-work life. What do they think is on the list of stressors for people who are having a mid-life crisis? Much like the young people decades ago who strived to go to college to avoid the factory labor path of their parents, we strive to avoid the monotonous, restrictive, unfulfilling career paths of our parents. My pow-wow with my cousins reminded me of why I have this section of the blog. To promote awareness, foster understanding and create a forum for all of us 20-somethings in distress. 20-somethings: somehow, someway we’re going to figure this out. Being a therapist is not a job you can qualify for or do well just by following rules or instructions. It requires a lot of inherent gifts and skills, too. For example, if you HATE people and you much rather be by yourself, therapy may not be the most ideal field for you. Me realizing this important fact, I’ve started to reflect and ask myself if I have what it takes on the INSIDE to do this job. Several of my friends, family and colleagues think I have multiple natural gifts and skills that will help me be a great therapist. I think I have a handful myself; however, there are other aspects of my personality that I think will clash with therapy and possibly prevent me from being successful in the field.
I’ve mentioned before on this page how I’m a control freak and how I have a “superman” complex. I see how these two things affect my behavior and life on a regular basis. I CANNOT STAND to feel powerless…I run away from or get agitated with situations that I cannot control or predict the outcome. Does therapy seem like a field I should be in where I have that problem? That, and I’m crazy sensitive about human suffering these days. The analyzation of how and why it exists has put me in existential (and spiritual) uneasiness. I’ve been having very emotional reactions to human suffering and strife. For example, I started an internship at a vocational rehabilitation center and on the FIRST day, I almost cried. Vocational rehabs typically serve individuals with disabilities and mental/emotional disorders. Depending on the degree of the disability, some may not be able to ever achieve the career goals they desire. As my internship coordinator explained to me how some of the employees have to be the ones to relay this information, my heart sank. I instantaneously felt sad. It made me never want to procrastinate or hesitate with a goal again. I can make whatever career goals I want and actively seek them, but some of them can’t. I was sitting there thinking about how unfair that was, and I began to wonder if any of the clients felt resentment; especially those who suddenly became disabled due to an injury. Fortunately enough, I didn’t cry in front of the coordinator, but I wanted to. Another example: I was watching “The Bounty Hunter,” and there was this guy they were trying apprehend for a probation violation. When they captured the man, they met his girlfriend and two young children. As they looked at his prior arrests and charges, they discovered that he had been physically abusive to his girlfriend multiple times. When they spoke to the girlfriend about this, she said she had a difficult time leaving him because they were high-school sweethearts and he was “the only thing she knew.” She continually asked if there was some way her boyfriend could get “help.” In addition, she said she was worried about him being arrested for the probation violation because he was the only source of income for the family. Hours after I saw his episode, I was thinking about that girl and wondering what was going to become of her and children’s future. What was going to become of the boyfriend? It just stuck with me. I thought “if I can’t get someone on T.V. off of my mind, what happens when I get a client like that? I’m going to take this stuff home with me.” I’m way too sensitive right now to go into counseling. I’m too reactive. Maybe my skin will be tougher later on in life, but it isn’t at the moment. So does anyone have any “advice to give…on how to be…insensitive” like the Jann Arden song says? Life is far from a "High School Musical" The inflexibility of workforce. In America, we place a lot of value on our work identities. When you meet new people, the question asked after “where are you from?” is “what do you do?” The ironic thing is that even though work identity is so important here, our society does almost nothing to help you form the identity. In high school, you’re told you can do anything and that the world is your oyster, but there aren’t many opportunities (besides sports, maybe) to explore different talents and interests. Despite the lack of explorative opportunities, you’re expected to know what you want to do for the rest of your life at the ripe old age of 18 when you enter college, as if you won’t be a different person by age 21 when you graduate. The limiting explorative pattern seen in high school is replicated in college as you’re required to choose ONE major (and maybe a minor) and follow ONE program of study in order to get your degree. You can’t take whatever you want in college. Even a “university studies” major requires certain classes. Then, after 17 years of schooling (grade school and college), it’s time to go into the work force. You’re finally done with education. So you think. Even though you’ve got a degree, for whatever reason you can’t find a job. Your six-month grace period is over and Sallie Mae is after you for loan repayments. There are no more financial-aid refund checks, and the bills gotta get paid. So you take a job wherever you can find it, even if it has NOTHING to do with your major or doesn’t require a college degree. Some end up working in very “humbling” positions, like in a mall or waiting tables. If you do get a job related to your major, it’s far from the most ideal position or it isn’t what you thought it would be. How else would you know what it was going to be like? It’s not like they prepare you for that at all in school, but that’s another issue. In addition to all of this, you STILL don’t have enough money to pay all your bills and you’re STILL living check-to-check. So after all that hard work, and all the juiced up, fanciful stuff you were told about the power of your degree, you’re unhappy and want out. You then consider going BACK to school, hoping that the 2nd time will be a charm and you’ll end up with the right degree and a better job. Some people come to this decision while still in their 20’s, others later in life. Those who decide this later have an even more difficult time because now they have children and mortgages and have to live on a student’s income (or lack thereof). And lord forbid you mature or change at all and desire something different one day, because you can’t just up and switch careers when you feel like it. You have to figure out how to transition and how you’re going to sustain WHILE you transition. Not to mention holding your breath and hoping it works out.For a society that focuses so much on work identity, it’s pretty darn inflexible when it comes to that. The workforce (and your bills) doesn’t have patience for any personal changes or growth. So what advice do I have for incoming college freshman? Well, the most I can tell you at this point in my life is try your hand, if you can, with different interests that you might have. Multi-task as much as possible. If you have no idea what you’re good at or what your interests are, ask yourself questions like “what kinds of things get my attention?” “If I had no limits or nothing to stop me, what would I do?” “If I had my way, what would I have or do?” Start there. Hopefully, that will help. The more I learn about surviving this process, the more I will share, and maybe we ALL will survive a little better. Random thought: Ok, so let me get this straight: you either pay THOUSANDS of dollars or borrow THOUSANDS of dollars to get “preparation” (i.e. college) for a job you end up HATING. A job you HAVE TO KEEP to pay off the loans for your “preparation.” Hmmm…what a twisted, vicious, punishing cycle. God, please let me love my job, so all of my hard academic work and spent money will be worth it.
Random Thought: Isn’t funny how regardless of the fact that all your friends are going through the same thing you are, it doesn’t give you much comfort? Lol.
So, I googled “quarter-life crisis” just for kicks, and all this stuff came up: books, blogs and even a movie (I’ll be writing a review for the movie soon)! It DOES exist! It’s great to know that it’s not just a fragment of my imagination. It’s also great to know that those who have experienced this period (and survived it) are sharing their wisdom. Please click the “Associated Links” tab under this post for more information on the resources I found (I haven’t read any of the books yet, fyi), and of course, check out some resources for yourself. I wished this topic was more widely discussed. We know about the terrible two’s, the tween years, adolescent dilemmas, and the MID-life crisis, but there isn’t much out there for those of us in our 20’s. Maybe it’s because people assume that it’s a carefree time, but if you REALLY think about it, it indeed comes with its own stressors. Most people graduate from college at around age 21 or 22. That’s just the beginning of the 20’s, and at this beginning, you have to quickly adjust between college life and the workforce. Finding a job is difficult enough, much less finding a job you love that pays well. On top of career dilemmas, people in their 20’s are facing marriage/parenthood (some take on those roles, some are stressed because they aren’t in those roles just yet, and others are getting pressured towards it), spiritual issues, identity issues, changing relationships with parents/or siblings, and just not knowing “what’s the next move.” Moral to the story, it seems like every age group has their own stressors specific to them, and 20-somethings aren’t any different.
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Help! I'm having a "Quarter-Life Crisis"!What is a "Quarter-Life Crisis", you ask? Well, I'm around 25 and I'm at that stage in life where my "future" personal and career goals are beginning to come into the present...and it's freaking me out lol. Here, I'm sharing my thoughts and experiences as I go through the process of "becoming a real adult". Archives
April 2013
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