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J.Says Journal: Friendships in Your 20's

4/15/2013

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

As I triumph and tumble through my 20’s, I’ve had a lot of “ah-ha” moments about different things. One of the more recent realizations has been about friendship. I think most people have something they yearn for throughout life that sets up a pattern of behavior and in my case, I’ve always wanted that classic “BFF;” like the ones you see on TV. You know, the “Shawn” to my “Cory” (“Boy Meets World”)? The friend that uncannily understands you, grows with you as opposed to apart from you and you two bicker once every blue moon? Some may say that type of friend is rare or doesn’t exist, but as cynical as I tend to be, I’ve always believed in the concept because of how often I’ve seen it in daily life and it seemed like everyone had that classic friend but me. Most of grade school, I was always the least popular kid; I didn’t fit in for some silly reason or another. I got separated from the one kid who was my partner in crime due to being a “navy brat (my searches to find her on social media have been unsuccessful).” Anyhow, being low on friends lead me to invite anyone into my life that would be nice to me. This wasn’t a great idea. Long story short, I tolerated a lot things I shouldn’t have and was hesitant to end relationships because either I was scared I wouldn’t make any new friends or it felt like I would be wasting years of time and effort. I should’ve taken the leap while I was still in the large social world that was college, because it’s harder to make new comrades you can deeply connect with once in the workforce.

I’ve realized how much various relationships gradually and insidiously brought me down, and when you’re already cynical and have an ongoing battle with depression, it’s a formula for disaster. Things can get especially tricky with friendships in your 20’s, as most 20-somethings have a lot of self-absorption, arrogance, insensitivity and self-righteousness that they’re oblivious to.

You have friends that will tell you how to behave, nitpick at everything you do, convince you you're crazy, strange, need to change and that everything is wrong with you. They’ll make you inadvertently (and sometimes purposely) feel bad about yourself; see every flaw in you. Use the things you’ve told them in confidence to judge you or take digs when it’s convenient. In the least, they’ll fail to repay the love and respect you’ve given them. It will be hard to dissociate and say goodbye because they were all there for you at some point, but that was some point. Once they no longer meet emotional needs, they're taking up space. I used to hate the adage that some are around for a “season and a reason” because I've always believed that loyalty is a part of true friendship, but not everyone operates that way, unfortunately. Not everyone has the same expectations of their friends or the same definitions of friendship. Some fail as a friend, not because they're bad or disloyal people, but because they don't know how to be a friend. There are more people in this world who have never been truly loved and don't know what it is to be bonded to another, than those who do. Most spend their life chasing that type of thing. Whether or not you have sympathy for their lack of knowledge and the patience to try to show them what it means, is it up to you, but know that it's a very difficult task and your pupil may never learn.

It will be easy to accept poor friendships or behavior because you don’t know that there’s something better. After a couple of these bad boys, you’ll think this crap is the norm and Shawn Hunter isn’t out there, but he is. Try making friends in a setting unorthodox to you. Shawn may be of a different background or culture than you. He might be that kid next to you in class, church, work or hell, Wal-mart. You never know. I think I’ve finally found Shawn; let’s hope I’m right. We met in the most unusual, unexpected way. So far, this is one of the best friendships I’ve ever had and it only made my peer history insights more vivid. I’m already seeing a positive transition in my attitude and perspective. It’s funny how much a simple change in scenery (or in this case, camaraderie) can make a world of difference.

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J.Says Journal: Fear

9/9/2012

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

9-2-2012 
I let fear dictate my life. I try to control my attachments to things and people so that I can’t be affected if I lose them. I sometimes tone down or re-route my ambitions so I won’t be setting myself up for disappointments or failures. I might deny myself an experience if I think the risk is too high. I don’t think trying to be responsibly cautious with attachments, ambitions and other decisions is bad, but I know it can be harmful if there isn’t any reasonable balance. Balance is something I struggle to have; I’m such an extreme personality, but that’s another journal for another day. I think different areas of my life have been stunted or are stagnant because I let my fears overwhelm me. It doesn’t help that I’m a control freak on top of that; hell, I’m a control freak just so bad things won’t happen.

I recently had the epiphany that I’m both afraid to have ambitions and afraid not to have them. I really should be working in media. I’m a writer and a music nerd; it’s only fitting. However, I’ve convinced myself that those dreams are untouchable and if I put a lot of energy toward it, I’m going to be deeply disappointed, feel like a failure and lost because I can’t execute my passions. I say all the time that I should find a way to be content with a run-of-the-mill, less entertaining, more practical, every day job and/or life because that’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Find a way to be happy with settling, so when that day comes, I won’t despise my life. On the flip side, I’m scared to not have ambitions for fear I’ll be shoulda’-coulda’ woulda’ ing, stuck in monotony and not living my best life, as Oprah would say. 

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J.Says Journal: Depression is So Much Fun!

7/20/2012

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

7-19-12 12:05am
Depression is so overtaking. It dictates every day of my life. I wake up not knowing how I’m going to feel or how much of an emotional disaster the day is going to be. It dulls my senses. I can’t fully enjoy anything hardly anymore. I feel colorblind. Partially deaf.

It’s so hard to get through the day. The day seems so long. I struggle to get through the minutes and hours, just looking forward to the moment where I get to be asleep again. That’s the only time I have peace. I hate being awake. Sometimes I resent being alive. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and logically I’m not ready to die yet, but that’s the thing about depression- you have no “logic.” The logic is ‘I’m in pain, I’m so terribly sad, down and broken, I can’t stand another minute in this flesh.’

One of my favorite things about depression is the counteractive symptoms. I’m fatigued, but sometimes I can’t sleep; night terrors, nightmares or restlessness. When I can’t sleep, I try to stay up and be productive, but I struggle to concentrate. It all just makes me want to throw something. I get so frustrated. All of this is feels so inescapable. 

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J.Says Journal: Shutting Down

6/14/2012

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

6-3-12
I spend more time explaining and defending my emotions than expressing them.

The cycle is this: people are curious to know what’s wrong with you. At first, they’re concerned and all ears. Their advice is sympathetic, sometimes empathetic and tender. Time passes and they become fatigued with YOUR sadness. They want you to hurry up and get better so they either A) don’t have to hear it anymore, B) don’t have to see you hurt, which bothers them, or C) a little of both.

"And when I laugh or smile, they're so relieved; I just want to punch a hole in the wall."-Starr (General Hospital)

Some withdraw from you gradually. For those that stick around, they begin to let you know somehow that they think it’s time for you to move on. You’re not healing fast enough for them. They become pushy, impatient, irritated and pressuring. It made logical sense that you would be sad, but now they believe you’re doing it to yourself. Somehow, it’s YOUR FAULT or YOUR CHOICE that you’re not happy yet. You’re “dwelling,” not trying or holding on to your pain because you’re “comfortable in it,” as uncomfortable as you are. They begin to assess, misinterpret, misunderstand and/or judge your every action and statement. If you disagree with any of their theories or opinions in any way, you’re being resistant to change or argumentative. They become more agitated with you and sometimes hostile. In all of their responses and body language, it seaps out what they REALLY think of you, your situation and how you’re dealing with it. You feel everyone is officially tired of you. With no one to turn to, you shut down. You finally do what everyone has been wanting you to do- shut up. Some people isolate themselves and kind of become a loner, while others put on the happy face everyone’s been waiting to see. People start to think you finally “got over it” since they haven’t heard about anything in a while, but you know the truth. The pain tucked away.

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J.Says Journal: It's My Party & I'll Cry If I Want To

3/11/2012

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

3/2/12 11:32am
I CANNOT STAND IT when people will not let you acknowledge your sadness, anger or irritation. It INFURIATES me when I’m ranting about something or say I’m having a so-so day and people AUTOMATICALLY respond to my statement(s) with something like “it could always be worse,” “just be grateful you have another day” or “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” and proceed to tell me I’m being negative, pouting or whining. THAT’S SO FREAKIN’ INVALIDATING! Furthermore, yes, it can always be worse, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the current situation sucks. Even if I make lemonade, the stuff is still going to taste sour. If someone survives a mugging at gun point, it could’ve been worse by them losing their life, but it doesn’t change the fact that a mugging is a traumatic, awful experience AND you’ve lost your belongings. If you want to help me the see the light at the end of the tunnel or feel hopeful, how about you let me rant, say “yeah, that really freakin’ sucks” and THEN offer some type of solution? And when you offer an anecdote, how about it be one that doesn’t involve me acting like the situation isn’t so bad (ex. “it could always be worse”, assuming I even want advice as opposed to just a listening ear)? Also, don’t tell a ranting person that they’re pouting, whining or negative- it’s invalidating and implies there’s something wrong with having a particular emotion. If you communicate to someone that it’s wrong to have an emotion, they will internalize their feelings and shut down. They won’t speak on or express it at all. So, now they’ll be pretending to be happy and deal with frustration privately (this can be especially dangerous if you’re dealing with a person with depression). It’s my party and I can cry if I want to.

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J.Says Journal: Bullied Out of Heartbreak

1/10/2012

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What it sounds like when you speak
Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

1/10/11 6:13pm

I had lunch with friends and everyone was taking turns updating the group on what’s new in their lives. I hate the update merry-go-round, especially when things aren’t going as well in my life as I want them to. Not necessarily because I’m embarrassed about anything, but because I don’t always feel like getting interviewed about my life or going into some in-depth discussion. Save that for therapy.  Anyhow, when it was my turn to update, I failed at ducking and dodging. It came up that I’m still heartbroken and hung-up on my ex. I then was given a sermon on how I need to move on and date some other guy to do so, which I’m already opposed to. I just want to be left alone. This is MY process and I can’t be on anyone else’s healing clock; everyone is different in what it takes for them to recover from and cope with loss. If I could be “over it” instantaneously, I would. Sometimes it makes me want to stay where I am emotionally because of external pressure. I want to move because I want to and I’m ready to, not because someone told me it’s time. I’m also over people telling me how much value and energy I should assign to this situation. No one gets to define what’s important to ME. Invalidating my feelings or what’s important to me isn’t going to make me feel empowered; it’s exactly the opposite. I feel bullied instead of supported.

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J.Says Journal: Out of Forgiveness?

10/13/2011

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

10/10/11 11:11pm
Ever wonder when to stop forgiving? When do you stop quickly “getting over” what angers or hurts you because most of the time, the offender doesn’t offend? How do you fairly define and create the list of “1 Bad Things” that will over-ride all of the previous good?


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J. Says Journal: Feeling Invisible

10/4/2011

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.
9/30/11 1:30am
I have something to say and I’m ready to be listened to, instead of just heard. I’m tired of being content with breadcrumbs; I want a loaf of bread. I’m ready to use my talents, display my creativity and actually have people appreciate it…
Most of my life I have felt invisible. At best, visible, but ignored. An afterthought. In the eyes of those around me, I’m good for the moment when all else fails. I’m not special enough to be acknowledged, prioritized or put on any type of pedal stool. If I wasn’t here anymore, then I’d be important; since we only like to give people their flowers after their gone. Then you’d watch closely and listen intently. Some might come to me worried after they read this, but as soon as I appear to “feel better,” they’ll be gone. Care is periodic and conditional. It almost like there’s a time window.

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J.Says Journal: A Simple Kind of Life?

9/27/2011

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Straight out of my journal, live and in living print.
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Britney's "simple life" in "If U Seek Amy"
1:00am 9/27/2011
You ever think about life and say to yourself: “When is it going to get good?”

I think most us what something grander and more unique than what we’ve heard life is. The “American Dream” is one thing, but I believe that there’s something inside of us that wants even more than that. Something shiny and fabulous that makes the “American Dream” seem like too simple of a goal. 

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Sharpay wants it all in "High School Musical 3"
We all want more than what we have and to be more special than what we are. We don’t want to just exist; we want to exist with a bang. Wanting to exist with a bang is at the center of both greed AND giving. We want to either do something that makes some sort of history book, or be someone that means a lot to many people; forever to be remembered and idolized.

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I think my desire for something bigger, better and brighter is killing me because I don’t know how to how to be content with what I don’t want. I don’t know how to be content with breadcrumbs when I want a whole loaf of bread. I feel like I’ve been doing that my whole life and I’m over it. I want what I want. And I want it now.

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