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J.Says Journal: Fear

9/9/2012

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

9-2-2012 
I let fear dictate my life. I try to control my attachments to things and people so that I can’t be affected if I lose them. I sometimes tone down or re-route my ambitions so I won’t be setting myself up for disappointments or failures. I might deny myself an experience if I think the risk is too high. I don’t think trying to be responsibly cautious with attachments, ambitions and other decisions is bad, but I know it can be harmful if there isn’t any reasonable balance. Balance is something I struggle to have; I’m such an extreme personality, but that’s another journal for another day. I think different areas of my life have been stunted or are stagnant because I let my fears overwhelm me. It doesn’t help that I’m a control freak on top of that; hell, I’m a control freak just so bad things won’t happen.

I recently had the epiphany that I’m both afraid to have ambitions and afraid not to have them. I really should be working in media. I’m a writer and a music nerd; it’s only fitting. However, I’ve convinced myself that those dreams are untouchable and if I put a lot of energy toward it, I’m going to be deeply disappointed, feel like a failure and lost because I can’t execute my passions. I say all the time that I should find a way to be content with a run-of-the-mill, less entertaining, more practical, every day job and/or life because that’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Find a way to be happy with settling, so when that day comes, I won’t despise my life. On the flip side, I’m scared to not have ambitions for fear I’ll be shoulda’-coulda’ woulda’ ing, stuck in monotony and not living my best life, as Oprah would say. 

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J.Says Journal: A Simple Kind of Life?

9/27/2011

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Straight out of my journal, live and in living print.
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Britney's "simple life" in "If U Seek Amy"
1:00am 9/27/2011
You ever think about life and say to yourself: “When is it going to get good?”

I think most us what something grander and more unique than what we’ve heard life is. The “American Dream” is one thing, but I believe that there’s something inside of us that wants even more than that. Something shiny and fabulous that makes the “American Dream” seem like too simple of a goal. 

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Sharpay wants it all in "High School Musical 3"
We all want more than what we have and to be more special than what we are. We don’t want to just exist; we want to exist with a bang. Wanting to exist with a bang is at the center of both greed AND giving. We want to either do something that makes some sort of history book, or be someone that means a lot to many people; forever to be remembered and idolized.

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I think my desire for something bigger, better and brighter is killing me because I don’t know how to how to be content with what I don’t want. I don’t know how to be content with breadcrumbs when I want a whole loaf of bread. I feel like I’ve been doing that my whole life and I’m over it. I want what I want. And I want it now.

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