Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

7-19-12 12:05am
Depression is so overtaking. It dictates every day of my life. I wake up not knowing how I’m going to feel or how much of an emotional disaster the day is going to be. It dulls my senses. I can’t fully enjoy anything hardly anymore. I feel colorblind. Partially deaf.

It’s so hard to get through the day. The day seems so long. I struggle to get through the minutes and hours, just looking forward to the moment where I get to be asleep again. That’s the only time I have peace. I hate being awake. Sometimes I resent being alive. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and logically I’m not ready to die yet, but that’s the thing about depression- you have no “logic.” The logic is ‘I’m in pain, I’m so terribly sad, down and broken, I can’t stand another minute in this flesh.’

One of my favorite things about depression is the counteractive symptoms. I’m fatigued, but sometimes I can’t sleep; night terrors, nightmares or restlessness. When I can’t sleep, I try to stay up and be productive, but I struggle to concentrate. It all just makes me want to throw something. I get so frustrated. All of this is feels so inescapable. 

Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

6-3-12
I spend more time explaining and defending my emotions than expressing them.

The cycle is this: people are curious to know what’s wrong with you. At first, they’re concerned and all ears. Their advice is sympathetic, sometimes empathetic and tender. Time passes and they become fatigued with YOUR sadness. They want you to hurry up and get better so they either A) don’t have to hear it anymore, B) don’t have to see you hurt, which bothers them, or C) a little of both.

"And when I laugh or smile, they're so relieved; I just want to punch a hole in the wall."-Starr (General Hospital)

Some withdraw from you gradually. For those that stick around, they begin to let you know somehow that they think it’s time for you to move on. You’re not healing fast enough for them. They become pushy, impatient, irritated and pressuring. It made logical sense that you would be sad, but now they believe you’re doing it to yourself. Somehow, it’s YOUR FAULT or YOUR CHOICE that you’re not happy yet. You’re “dwelling,” not trying or holding on to your pain because you’re “comfortable in it,” as uncomfortable as you are. They begin to assess, misinterpret, misunderstand and/or judge your every action and statement. If you disagree with any of their theories or opinions in any way, you’re being resistant to change or argumentative. They become more agitated with you and sometimes hostile. In all of their responses and body language, it seaps out what they REALLY think of you, your situation and how you’re dealing with it. You feel everyone is officially tired of you. With no one to turn to, you shut down. You finally do what everyone has been wanting you to do- shut up. Some people isolate themselves and kind of become a loner, while others put on the happy face everyone’s been waiting to see. People start to think you finally “got over it” since they haven’t heard about anything in a while, but you know the truth. The pain tucked away.