I let fear dictate my life. I try to control my attachments to things and people so that I can’t be affected if I lose them. I sometimes tone down or re-route my ambitions so I won’t be setting myself up for disappointments or failures. I might deny myself an experience if I think the risk is too high. I don’t think trying to be responsibly cautious with attachments, ambitions and other decisions is bad, but I know it can be harmful if there isn’t any reasonable balance. Balance is something I struggle to have; I’m such an extreme personality, but that’s another journal for another day. I think different areas of my life have been stunted or are stagnant because I let my fears overwhelm me. It doesn’t help that I’m a control freak on top of that; hell, I’m a control freak just so bad things won’t happen.
I recently had the epiphany that I’m both afraid to have ambitions and afraid not to have them. I really should be working in media. I’m a writer and a music nerd; it’s only fitting. However, I’ve convinced myself that those dreams are untouchable and if I put a lot of energy toward it, I’m going to be deeply disappointed, feel like a failure and lost because I can’t execute my passions. I say all the time that I should find a way to be content with a run-of-the-mill, less entertaining, more practical, every day job and/or life because that’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Find a way to be happy with settling, so when that day comes, I won’t despise my life. On the flip side, I’m scared to not have ambitions for fear I’ll be shoulda’-coulda’ woulda’ ing, stuck in monotony and not living my best life, as Oprah would say.