When you’re at the top of your game with few blemishes or scandals, people start to wait for you to slip up. It’s clear that’s the case with Beyonce`, considering the ridiculous frenzy her singing on top of a track at President Obama’s 2nd inauguration caused. Despite that so-called “blunder,” Beyonce` is about to begin a sold-out tour without a new album out. Here are 5 things Beyonce` would have to do if she really wanted to flush her career down her gold and marble toilet. This list started out as satirical, but when you think it about it, it could really apply.
#5 Release an Album of "Bow Down"-esque Music
In light of the new sampler, hype has surrounded the "King B's" name as promo for her upcoming album continues. Although some of the Bees are living, I honestly don't think any fan of hers could endure an entire album or concert of Rihanna-styled club anthems. We know she's gonna have ballads and blah blah blah, but if every other track consisted of something as ratchet as the teaser, people would live for a week, only to live in the glory days of "4" the following week later. But this would only be the beginning of the end. After she releases an album of crappy hood anthems, Beyonce` would have to...
#4 Start Having "Accidental" Body Exposure
Nipple slips on Good Morning America, naked pictures or videos of her and Jay-Z conceiving their next child Red Oak, hell, even Instagram bathroom pictures of her mooning the world would start to build icing on the cake, cake, cake, cake. The snowball would only get bigger, not because we view her as an innocent virgin who gave immaculate birth to Blue Ivy in a lowly Texas manger, but because legends who didn't become such by being trashy don't usually mix well with audiences when their trashiness ensues. Sure, Madonna can flash audiences while on stage, but that's because she's been doing that since she started. Beyonce` couldn't afford to cross over into the depths of "MediaTakeOut chic" as a mother and icon in the making at age 31. Especially since she's now managing herself; without a Mathew Knowles (AKA "Knowl-ivia Pope") figure in her corner, it would probably be impossible for her to turn that into a PR positive. I mean think about it, if someone like Celine Dion accidentally exposed themselves in pictures or onstage, do you think all would be forgiven? Case in point, Janet Jackson. Looking at her album sales after her Superbowl “Nipplegate” in 2004, it appears the answer is no. So now that the queen has lost her “good” image appeal, the next thing to do is...
Yes, theoretically, ratings would SHOOT through the roof at this idea, and all the Bees would watch the first episode, but I can bet you a whole nickel that 1 of 2 things will happen. Either 1) Beyonce` will be as boring as her Wembley concert or 2) it will be overly scripted and we all know how Beyonce` is with scripts. Be honest, could you actually imagine Jay-Z and Beyonce` acting like Stevie J and Mimi from “Love & Hip Hop”? Okay, bad example, but nonetheless, the woman would probably spend most of the show talking to the camera and asking rhetorical questions to the audience, with occasional fake arguments about if Blue should have a blue crib set or a pink one because pink might confuse her. Besides, I doubt any of her fans question or wonder what she does outside of a studio.
#2 Actually Buy into Twitter/Celeb Beefs
As a non-stan, I can honestly say that the beauty of Beyonce's dynamic is that she doesn't have to do her own fighting. If someone disses this "queen," her peasants will do the fighting for her (that was a metaphor; don't send me death threats later for calling her fans peasants). So, can you visualize a world where Beyonce` actually gets on Twitter and begins to take things personally and sub-tweets Keyshia Cole or Keri Hilson? Or even worse, responding to the haters who accuse her of faking her pregnancy (and yes, some idiots are STILL on that subject). Except for promotion, Beyonce` more than anyone should stay away from social media because her PR can't be there 24/7 and in a beef you would only come out on the bottom, because after awhile, anyone who buys into the drama or is overly sensitive to twitter followers comes off weak and basic, at BEST. However, even with all of these hypothetical endings, she would still have an INKLING of hope until she...
#1 Publicly Denounces Gays, Gay Rights or Gay Marriage
Yes, we went there. Beyonce's fans consist roughly of 40% women, 50% gays and 10% miscellaneous. Not only that, but her creative team consists mostly of gay people. So, if the Queen Bee decided to say "You know what? I love gay people and I don't judge, but I don't think it's morally right" or "I don't believe gays should have the right to get married (much less on a public Twitter forum, mind you)” the crap would hit SEVERAL stage fans aimed at Beyonce's lacefront. I don't know if there would be a riot or marches or something, but aside from these nonrefundable Mrs. Carter tickets being mysteriously returned and refunded, Beyonce` as we know it would collapse. Her outfits, choreography, hair, make-up, stage designs, light designs, music production (no shade to Ne-Yo or the Dream), song lyrics (no shade to Frank Ocean) and even workout regiment (no shade to Shawn T) would all IMPLODE into billions of honeycomb and skittles pieces, leaving a barren, shriveled up Sasha begging on stage for all the single ladies to put their hands up (in which 20% of that concert hall would cheer, as the other 80% is empty). In all seriousness, Beyonce` is representative of much of the gay community, in how she incorporates slang and certain choreography into her songs and routines. So with all of that gone, what is she going to give us? And even more importantly who is going to buy it?? Aside from those few people in the 40% who actually BUY music, no one. Thus would be the end of Beyonce's career. Not even the 3-part harmonies of the holy trinity known as Destiny's Child could save that.