I’m your potential employer and as your potential employer I’m going to remind you of why you wanted to quit school and start a traveling band in the 1st place, as I behaviorally will be a culmination of the butthole that bullied you in the middle school, the anal-retentive jerk professor you had in college, the guy that stole your girlfriend last week and your overly bossy parents.
I will make you kiss my tail and chase me down with repeated calls, emails and meetings and act like I can’t be bothered with you even though I’M THE ONE who needs assistance and employees. Basically, I’m going to act like I don’t want you. If you seem confident, I’ll take you down a notch because I will view it as egotistical. If you’re humble, I’ll turn my nose up and view you as weak. Even though your resume is impressive, I WILL unfairly judge you by your appearance. If you’re too attractive as a female, I’ll either hire you because I want eye-candy in the office or not hire you because I will assume you’re a slut. If you have the slightest hint of a tattoo or a piercing, you can forget it. Even though you need money to have ultra-fine clothing, I will deny you income if you show up in just the decent clothing you can afford.
Speaking of resumes, even though I required it and you just handed it to me, I’m still going to expect you to fill out the same exact information on our standard application. It’s especially important that we have the same information in two places as we will completely negate it if an applicant with connections and less impressive credentials comes in. If you’re too educated, we’ll tell you you’re overqualified. If you have one degree too little, you’re under-qualified. We’ll also tell you that you don’t have enough experience; although, if no one ever hires you, you’ll never gain such experience. If you manage to book an interview, our questions will be irrelevant and unreasonably difficult to answer (ex. If you could be a tree, what type would you be and why?). If not that, we’ll ask “moral measurement” questions (ex. have you ever stolen from your employer or have you ever gotten upset with your employer?). Moral measurement questions are my favorite to ask, because I like to watch people squirm while trying to decide whether they should give me a socially-acceptable Ms. America answer or be honest. I love my job. Maybe one day you’ll have a job like me. Thank you for your interest in joining our staff.
Your Potential Employer