Despite being emotionally and mentally out of gas, I took a little initiative to explore some career options and seek guidance. I started 2 entertainment industry-related internships and stalked the people in the career advisement office on campus. I also met with 2 of my professors and flat-out said “What can I do with this degree that doesn’t involve hardcore counseling?” My small efforts gave me a starting point and I decided that college career counseling would be an ideal pursuit (ironic, right? Who better to be a career counselor than me? Lol). Career counseling wasn’t heavy as crisis counseling and would allow me to work the demographic I preferred.
My post-graduation plans where to relocate to a city with multiple college campuses and a bustling music-industry scene (my other interests involve music business). The city I chose was conveniently the home of one of my internships and several of my close friends. I was still apprehensive about post-graduation life and how it would turn out, but I had just as much
excitement as I did anxiety. My plans started to unravel, however, the closer my graduation date approached. Moving logistics weren’t in my favor. With no pre-ceremony jobs leads and no money, I ended up having to move back in with my parents; hours away from my friends, my internship and what I felt to be a hotbed of employment opportunities. I was incredibly frustrated; yet another well-calculated plan down the toilet because life decided it wasn’t going to happen (that’s what the quarter-life crisis is all about). Bummed and feeling like a total loser for not being able to move out on my own at 25, I threw my hands up. Little Miss Control Freak, who had been gradually losing control since her 1st year of graduate school, gave up trying to analyze, plan and predict. Little Miss Gotta Have a Plan had literally no plan at all, but to move back with her parents. Now completely burned out with a hole in my heart, I told myself I wasn’t going to think. I wasn’t going to worry about anything but I was going to eat for breakfast. I needed the world to stop spinning. I needed to put life on “pause.”
2 months to the day I graduated, I finally received my diploma in the mail. I read it, showed my parents and put it in its billfold. Then I watched Beyonce’s MTV special, “Year of 4” lol. The pop-star reflected on her travels and adventures over the last year, which included riding a toboggan down the Great Wall of China. Because of her very public status and wealth, someone as young as she is having such experiences isn’t abnormal, but I was still in awe at her life. She is only 4 years older than me and has accomplished soooooo much. I began to look back on the last few years of my life, particularly the last 2 months. While on “pause,” I’ve worked on this blog, finished up a film project, started a poetry opus, applied for a career counseling job at a major university and looked into a handful of job leads, but I still feel largely unproductive, stagnant and purposeless. I don’t feel like I’m doing the most with my life or have any direction. What am I going to do when I come off of “pause” and press “play” again? I suppose I’m defeating the purpose of detoxing if I’m still thinking about what’s next. On one hand, I feel like I need this time to be on “pause.” Most people don’t have the opportunity to not work, not think or not do anything at all. This time is something I should take advantage of, but I can’t help but feel wasteful. I want to shake my feelings of doubt and uselessness and make the most of the great gift that is time. I just wish I knew what to reflect on. What exactly do I do with the time? What do I think about? There’s that control freak thing happening again…