“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
“Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think--in a deeper voice.”
--BILL COSBY
Comedian Bill Cosby “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” “I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” “Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think--in a deeper voice.” --BILL COSBY
0 Comments
Or at least part of the potential reason anyway. The reason why a lot of people fall in love is the same reason why they “fall out” of love. It’s really easy to fall for someone or get attached when they take care of you. It’s easy when they nurture long-unmet needs, seemingly fill voids or fulfill neglected desires. To a degree, when someone does all of those things, they become some sort of security-blanket, safe-place or “superman.” This concept may seem romantic or beautiful in theory, and isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be the death of a relationship. People go down the aisle or enter a committed relationship subconsciously thinking “I’ll fill your voids, you’ll fill mine. I save you, you save me.” Initially, it’s a fair exchange that works out perfectly. But eventually, with time, age and personal growth (or stagnation for that matter), it gets to be too much. You suddenly have the weight of your own internal issues AND those of your significant other on your back. “Saving” each other didn’t work out as well as you thought and you’re beginning to resent your role as savior. In addition, you’re agitated by the fact that your partner doesn’t want to save you anymore either. That, or you’re agitated because they want you to “be who you used to be” or change into someone new. Now you’re out of a safe-place. Your home, or the time you spend together, has now gone from paradise to a battleground, and like Deena Jones in Dreamgirls, “you’re not at home in your own home.” You’re back to unmet needs, gaping voids and unfulfilled desires. On the way to divorce or a break-up, emotional cheating or infidelity may occur (for some reason, people think that a new person will be more capable of saving them). If not infidelity, the ugliness comes in the form of depression, substance and/or domestic abuse, or the couple rips each other in half emotionally. Kids, significant others are supposed to be support, not saviors, band-aids or therapists. Like Oprah Winfrey said in her series finale, “Don't wait for anybody to fix you, save you or complete you. Jerry Maguire was just a movie." ONLY you can fill your voids. It’s just not a reasonable or a fair expectation that your partner is going to heal your wounds. Anytime the source of your fulfilled desires, filled voids or met needs is someone else, you will lose because the moment that person isn’t around anymore or stops doing their “job,” you’re wounds will get deeper, wider and more painful. Most couples have their share of baggage that they bring into the relationship. It’s your job to do whatever it takes to reduce your baggage as much you can, so that you don’t unfairly project that responsibility to your partner. It dawned on me a few minutes ago that my humble little blog, Jsays.weebly.com, is one year and three days old. Curious to see how well the site has done over the last year, I reviewed its stats. I’ve had nearly 4,000 visitors and 7,000 page views from every continent. There are only a hand full of countries that J.says has not gotten a hit from (see a picture of the visitor map below; I’m so excited and proud). The site’s associated YouTube channel has gotten over 20,000 video views and the Facebook page (facebook.com/jsaysFB) has 67 fans currently since its February start. Now, in the big scheme of things, especially in comparison to blogs like “Just Jared” or “Crunk and Disorderly,”J.says’ numbers are meager, but that’s ok; I’m beyond appreciative for the support and attention the site has attained so far. There’s room to grow, and it will get there.
I’ll admit that I’ve gotten discouraged along the way, and have considered closing the site before; especially when I was overwhelmed by a personal obstacle. The silver lining has been the response that I’ve gotten from visitors. From the beginning, my goals for the site were to vent, share my love of music and encourage consumer awareness of the industry, bring attention to societal issues and the “quarter-life crisis,” and provide a constructive criticism forum for fans of Beyonce`. So far, I feel like the goals have been met. Countless 20-somethings have told me the “J.Says & The Quarter-Life Crisis” section provided an entertaining and relatable space where they realized they weren’t the only ones confused and stressed about their future. Music nerds enjoyed the industry perspective. Fans of Michael Jackson and Aaliyah were touched by the memorial pages featured. Readers of “The Person You Become When You Die-The Aftermath ” post (http://jsays.weebly.com/9/post/2010/05/the-person-you-become-when-you-die-the-aftermath.html) found comfort and a different outlook on grief. Others appreciated a healthy debate and discussion or coming across someone with similar views. A few supporters have now started their own blogs :) I’ve learned a few things while operating this blog. On the business side, I’ve learned a lot about marketing and promotion. On the personal side, I’ve gained broadening insight about others my age. As the site goes into its 2nd year, I hope to continue to reach my set goals and maybe add some new ones. As long as I have something to say and feel like this site is productive and purposeful, it will be active. Thank you all for the well-wishes & support and I hope you stay tuned. Here’s to the 2nd year! To apply to be a co-contributor for any of the sections on the site, hit the “Contact/Info” tab and shoot me an email! ;) Love and Awesomeness, J.Says Consider yourself to be a pie; you're one person with many roles. NOT ONLY a student, a friend, an employee, a sibling, a significant other, a parent, etc. So if you find yourself in a situation where one of your roles changes or diminshes, all is NOT lost. You haven't lost yourself or your identity. Our roles are just a small part of our greater definition. Just a thought. :)
In my post “The Person You Become When You Die”, which I wrote in November 2009 (check it out), I talked about my issues with grief, particularly with the deaths of singers Aaliyah and Michael Jackson. With Aaliyah, I was briefly consumed with grieving her and eventually avoided anything that reminded me of her. With Michael, I almost let the pain of the loss overshadow and transform the positive memories I had of him. Fast forward 7 months later, I’m in a different, better place. I’ve gotten to a point where I can be reminded of Aaliyah or Michael, and not fall into sadness thinking about their death. I focused on what their siblings, Rashad and Janet, had to say:
“…she is with me; if I allow her to be. I can smile again if I let the memory of her presence on this earth exist as a gift, and not a loss.”- Rashad Haughton, 2001 “You don’t have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memory.”-Janet Jackson It took me awhile to really understand and apply their concepts. After years of avoiding any Aaliyah material, I started watching old Aaliyah interviews on YouTube. I couldn’t help but laugh and smile at a lot of it; it reminded me of why I liked her so much. I was thinking “Man, she was hilarious and cool as heck. I remember seeing this and wanting to hang out with her.” With watching anything Michael- related, all of it took me back to a specific childhood memory. I was that 7-year-old kid again who didn’t have a care in the world. It all made feel so warm and happy inside. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. It dawned on me at that point, that because of both of them, I had all these happy memories to go back to that you can’t buy, take away or replace. There’s this safe place in my mind and heart that I can escape to whenever I just want to smile. Yes, I had them and lost them, but if I had to choose between having/losing them vs. never having them at all, I choose having/losing. I feel so grateful to have been a part of the generation that was there when their music was made. As Rashad noted, having them present was such a wonderful gift, and to remember that gift now as only a symbol of loss wouldn’t do them justice. It takes time to get to this point, I think. At the beginning, it’s indescribably hard to NOT focus on the loss. Some people don’t get passed focusing on the loss. But part of the reason why the loss hurts like it does is because of the beautiful things that person gave you. You miss having that. The loss itself will never stop being painful or sad, but you can choose what to focus on. It takes a lot of emotional energy and work, but you CAN choose. I hope this helps someone out there. So my mother calls me on September 3rd, 2009 to let me know that Michael Jackson was finally buried. I get on MSN’s homepage and there they were: links to photos and video from the burial. With my iPod ironically on depressing music, I browsed through the photos. You could feel the somber mood through every photograph. Everything felt so still. Frozen. Quiet. Pictures of brothers, sisters, friends and children whose slew of happy memories must now always end with this moment. The golden casket, the white flowers, the green “grass” carpet, eulogies, tears and tombstones.
I saw more burial news footage on YouTube. Associated videos were clips of other celebrities who had passed, like the R&B singer and actress, Aaliyah. I hadn’t seen footage of Aaliyah alive in years, and there were several videos of her being interviewed. I watched one interview that was few minutes long and, for those few minutes, I literally forgot she was gone. I got so wrapped up in the interview; just like I would if she was alive and I was seeing it for the first time. She was alluring, witty, sassy, coy, cool, and beautiful; just like I knew her to be before she died and I met the “new version” of Aaliyah: the “version” of her that’s no longer here. Minutes after reacquainting myself with the “old” Aaliyah, I got confronted with “new” one in a hard, cold, icy way. There was footage of someone visiting her burial site. They were completely silent as they walked into the mausoleum and arrived at her gravesite. It’s been 8 years, and I had never seen her gravesite. Pain hit my stomach and I instantly burst into tears. I cried on and off for hours. I just got her back. It was the 1st time in 8 years that I had seen (or remembered) her out of the context of her death; the 1st time I ever FORGOT she was gone. For a moment she was alive, well and here with us, and seeing that gravesite was like someone ripped her away from me all over again. Like she turned into dust and fell through my fingers. It was a sudden, harsh reminder that she was DEAD. GONE. That interview wasn’t current. All that’s left of her is a marble wall, encased by a golden gate with her name on it, with a bunch of pretty flowers in front. I started to cry even harder as I thought about Michael. I was angry; so upset –I didn’t want to know Michael in “that way.” I didn’t want to know this “new” version of Michael. The Person You Become When You Die. Michael was a symbol of something true and special to me: the magic, the wonderment, the innocence and the bright rose-colored glow that was the happier memories of my childhood. Once a symbol of the aforementioned, he was now a symbol of loss, sadness and hurt. He was now one of those “gone” people. One of those people who would now be memorialized every time he’s mentioned or thought about. One of those people who would be featured in a “gone, but not forgotten” painting. It’s a fascinating thing, the person you become when you die. No matter how eventful and full your life was, all that matters is the fact that you’re gone. You’re a tombstone now. How you died is the most notable or memorable thing you did, or what anybody talks about. Even if people reflect on the highlights of your life, it’s always gotta end with some depressing statement like “they were gone too soon”, “I can’t believe their gone”, “too bad they’re not here anymore, or “where were you when you got the news?” Perfect example: when I saw “This Is It”, I was on a high. He felt so alive to me. I thought I’d be depressed, but instead I felt uplifted. The movie reminded me of why I love music so much in the 1st place, and why Michael Jackson is the blueprint for how to be a consummate artist and a master of your craft. The Michael I knew- the 1st and only version I ever knew before June 25, 2009-was with me. That “new” version didn’t exist. And just when I got comfortable in my high, my friend says “It’s so sad that talent isn’t here anymore.” There was the reminder. The 2nd example: I was watching the “Dangerous” tour DVD with my mom, and just as my heart smiled and my eyes glimmered with awe, she says “It’s just hard to believe he’s gone.” Just as I said before, the sweet memories keep ending with this “new” version of him. It hurts so bad. I don’t want to get to know this “new” version, the person he became when he died. I want to keep my friend Michael just the way he was. I don’t want all my happy memories to turn into reasons why it’s sad he’s gone. I want my memories to stay as reasons why I love him. My friends keep telling me that my memories and everything else can stay as they were, and that a person’s death does not define them. Sometimes this makes me feel better. Other times, I feel like I have no choice but to accept and think about the “new” version. It’s like I don’t have an option. How can I NOT think about their death? If I were reading a book about their life, the book would always end with their death. That’s where it all stops, where it all ends. IT’S NOT FAIR! I don’t want to have to think about this. I don’t want to read that chapter. Why does that even have to be a part of the book? Why do we ever have to die in the 1st place? To avoid pain and preserve a person’s memory (and their place in my heart) the way it should be, I won’t read that last chapter. I’ll just read the chapter before it and stop. Call it denial if you want. It’s how I’m going to survive this. Oh, but wait. Denial doesn’t work. Denial is what got me crying for hours once I saw Aaliyah’s gravesite to begin with (I avoided ever seeing it, and frankly, avoided thoughts of her as much as possible). You apparently have to “deal” with the death and address it to cope successfully. My problem is that I don’t know HOW to “deal” or “cope” with it in a way that’s “healthy.” Either I’m in stone denial and I avoid thinking of the person altogether (Aaliyah), or I let my grief and the memory of the death overtake my joyous memories (Michael). Grief is even harder when it involves something or someone that has ALWAYS been there. I came out of the womb knowing Michael Jackson. A world without him is an unfamiliar world to me. It’s a world I have a difficult time adapting to because I don’t know how to be here. It doesn’t feel good. It’s a new, different world, with a new, different life. A life that runs the risk of being consumed with grieving him and keeping his memory respectfully and lovingly intact. For a second, my life was consumed with grieving Aaliyah. It was like “How do I go back to the life I had before this? How do you come back from hurting so bad, or losing something that feels so essential to your life?” I don’t like all of these “new” issues. I obviously have a hard time reconciling the 2 versions of people that have passed away. Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to reconcile them at all. Maybe the problem is that I think they become a different person when they die. Does anyone have “healthy” grieving down to a science or have it figured out? Please let me know what your theory is if you do. Maybe I’ll figure out something that works for me as I go through process of grieving Michael. Perhaps when it’s the 8th anniversary of his death (Aaliyah’s was August 25, 2009), I won’t see his gravesite and burst into tears because of denial. Maybe it won’t take me 8 years to look at the gravesite. For now, I’m going to focus on the words of Aaliyah and Michael’s siblings, Rashad and Janet. Rashad and Janet both testified to be extremely close to their siblings; perhaps I’ll find my way to solace by listening to them. “…she is with me; if I allow her to be. I can smile again if I let the memory of her presence on this earth exist as a gift, and not a loss.”- Rashad Haughton, 2001 “You don’t have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memory.”-Janet Jackson |
J.Says Daily
My dump area for all my random thoughts, observations and advice that don't fit into the other categories. Archives
September 2013
Tags/Categories
All
|